I Wish I Knew
by To-orima Nokurai
Summary: To be rejected, blamed and put down all his life caused Sohma Kyo to be afraid. Afraid to show his real self to other people. But why did he wished for someone like... Kyou/Tohru fic
1. Prologue

**_Why does someone like you stay by my side?_**

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**_Cry for me?_**

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**_Knows how to ease my pain?_**

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**_Why am I wishing for someone like you?_**

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**_I don't have the right to do that anymore…_**

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**_The very fact that you're near me is a mistake!_**

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**_But even so…_**

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**_But even so…_**

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**_Why do I hope to stop time?_**

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**_To hold it even for a moment?_**

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**_And cherish it?_**

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**_Why do I desire to stay by your side?_**

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**_To see how much your smile brightens my day?_**

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**_To hear the words that mends my fragile heart?_**

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**_Why?_**

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**_Why?_**

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**_Why?_**

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**_I wish I knew…_****__**

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	2. I Wish I Knew What the Season of Spring ...

**I Wish I Knew…**

By Nokurai To-orima

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Fruits Basket. And if I did, I won't be making this…

The sun greeted the world with its vivid rays, and spreads through the countryside. The morning birds chirped a melodious song as they were sitting peacefully at the damp branch of a tree, loving the fresh and soft breeze of spring. Beyond the valley of the pine and other high-growing trees, a wooden house stood in the middle of the immense land of green. 

In there, an orange-haired boy in the age of 15 sauntered along the hallway of the house. By the way his ginger colored eyes look, he definitely woke up in the wrong side of the bed. He finally reached the kitchen, his mouth craving for a carton of milk. But then, his craving was cut off by the smell of his favorite fish. Codfish. He took a peek and saw a young girl recognizable to him. 

She had honey-colored hair pulled back in a ponytail and humming a song as she cooks breakfast. She took the steaming kettle out of the stove and pours in on a clay one. She washes her hand before she wipes them dry in her apron. 

"Ohayo, Tohru." He greeted, surprising the woman.

"Ah, ah, anou… Ohayo, Kyo-kun" She stammered before getting the greeting right out of her mouth, ending it with a sweet smile.

He opened the refrigerator, pulled out a carton of milk and took a healthy swig. Tohru then left the kitchen and proceeded in wiping the breakfast table with a white cloth. She set up two pairs of everything, which made Kyo wondered.

"Oh, you didn't know?" Tohru continued setting up the table as she heard the question of her companion, "Shigure-san said that Akito had called them both to the Main House. I think he has to do with the Jyunishi members only…" she informed, before realizing something. "Ah! I'm sorry, Kyo-kun! I know you aren't really a part of the Jyunishi but I shouldn't have said it if I know it would hurt your feelings! I—"

"It's okay. I'm used to it, anyway." He said. Not with the usual annoyance or anger. He just said it plainly. 

_Yes, I'm used to being an outsider in the Jyunishi circle… though I don't mind it anymore…_

_It doesn't matter if I'm cursed by the vengeful spirit of the cat or not…_

_As long as…_

"I'm sorry…" She mumbled quietly. He just patted her head like she does when he's on cat form. 

**Chapter 1: I Wish I Knew What the Season of Spring Means…**

The morning clouds slowly drifted before the orange eyes of Kyo as he watches them on the roof of the Sohma house. The birds flocked in the sky as they fly together like one family. 

One family.

He stood up and tried to remove the bad memories off his mind. It doesn't need to be looked back once more. It would just make his fragile heart shatter into pieces. Unable to cope up with the pain. A gentle wind caressed his cheek as it passed, disturbing his deep thinking. He then shifted his attention to the sight before him. _With the flowers showing off the beauty they hold for so long and the cold breeze of winter finally gone, it was definitely spring,_ he thought. Spring is definitely one of his favorite seasons. And one of his hated seasons. 

It reminded of him of…

"Kyo-kun?" 

"Uwaaah!"

"Ah, gomen nasai! I didn't mean to surprise you! I'm so sorry! Oh, I'm so stupid!" Tohru turned her head left to right frantically. 

_You always surprise me when I'm here… _He thought as he tried to regain his composure. 

She settled down beside him, both began to watch the sun. The silence atmosphere began to make both people uneasy. "It's finally spring," she started, putting a lock of hair behind her ear, "it's one of my favorite seasons."

Kyo took a glance of her peaceful face. Her eyes looking somewhere in the forest, still thinking of what to say.

"My mom used to tell me that…"

_My mom never told me anything, except for words tainted with philanthropic intent._

"…spring is like a prisoner."

_She treated me that way, only for the reason that she loves me._

"After so many hardships in a cold place,"

_To be rejected, put down, detested. I've been through a lot of it._

"…someday, he can be finally free." 

_I don't feel like I'm free…_

_It's a lie…_

"He can finally the warmth of the world embracing him."

_I don't feel anything except for their coldness…_

_It's a lie!_

"And slowly, that person is accepted beside from his past."

"IT'S A LIE!" His thoughts influenced his voice. His fist clenched in anger as he looked away from her eyes. He doesn't want to see how shocked or surprised or hurt Tohru was. All he can think is try to run away from there. Like he always does. 

Always. 

"Kyo-kun…"

Without thinking, he jumped off the roof and ran into the house, leaving his companion alone, bewildered.

* * * * *

Feet trembles in fear.

Sweat began to drip to floor below.

Heartbeats began to beat faster and harder.

These were all the things Tohru felt as she stood in front of Kyo's room door. _How stupid of me! I shouldn't have talked about spring! Oh, it's my entire fault_! Her mind began a mental battle within her while bringing her shaking hand to the doorknob. It wasn't locked. With door opened, she can see him lying in his quilt, his back turned to her as if no one came in. She opened her mouth, but her voice wouldn't come up. Words began to lose its use. She breathed heavily, trying to regain her strength. She tried again, "Kyo-kun…" she succeeded.

"It's a matter from a long time ago. It doesn't concern you. Go away…" Kyo said, unmoving. 

_Nothing concerns you… it's not your fault anyway…_

What can she say? She doesn't know, as if she knew nothing could cheer him up. She approached him slowly. She sat down on the floor, her eyes looking at the back of the orange-haired boy.

But still…

But still…

"I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to hurt your feelings…"

"It's just that whenever springs comes, it reminds me of my mom." Her mind replayed the memories and occasions that involved her mom and spring. "She always puts a smile in her lips as she greets the first day of spring with great excitement…"

_—Flashback—_

"Wow! Spring is finally here!" Kyokou-san stretches her arms high in the air. "Good day, spring! Long time no see! Don't you know how much I missed you?" Her speech ends with a high-spirit laughter. "Tohru-chan, why don't you come out and see how the season of spring loves us!"

Still in her pajamas, she walked outside to their garden; her eyes sparkled in joy, "Wow!"

Kyokou-san felt the aura of what her daughter is feeling, "Don't you know Tohru-chan, this is the result of the melted snow when winter ends." The breeze played with their hair, as if it was approving to Kyoko-san's statement. "Spring is like a person who have been isolated long ago, but now, he's finally released. Even though the winter have rejected him, he still shows the world how warm he feels." 

"Hai." Is the only word that Tohru can say. Her mom was always like this, preaching now and then about everything. That's why she loves her so much!

"And that's why spring is my favorite season. Because somewhere up there, someone is smiling at us and showering us with his love…"

_—End of Flashback—_

"And that would always made me smile. But now that she's gone… this season would always say that my mom is smiling down at me, showing me her love…" she stopped as she broke down, thin clear drops trickled down her pale face. She wasn't supposed to cry, she was supposed to show how much spring meant to her. So that, Kyo would appreciate how the trees bore their lushness can be a source of strength… besides of all the obscurity he had gone through.

Kyo sat up, and looked at the woman who tried to cheer him up, but ended up crying. All this because of him. He didn't mean to make her cry, although he knew that those tears were meant for her mom and not for him. He knew that she cried late at night… he knew how sad she feels… she isn't always a happy person. He reached out his right hand and touched her tear-stained cheek. He wiped one tear with his thumb, slowly caressing it. "I'm sorry. I didn't know how much it meant to you." He said with an unusual tone in his voice. 

Tohru looked up, his hand still on her cheek. "Iie, I should be the one who's sorry. I shouldn't have told you about it, if it'll hurt your feelings."

"No, it's okay." 

They sat there, staring at each eyes, as if each one wanted to see how each felt about spring. How much joy and pain has build up as time passed by. How each wanted to know the meaning of spring to one another.

Kyo retrieved his hand, still looking at her. She then grins at him. The smile that he grown to love.

_Why do I end up at peace whenever you cheer me up?_

_Why do I end up contented whenever you smile like that?_

A soft hand held his, gently and softly. It was Tohru's that made him stop from thinking. 

"Arigatou" she said.

He returned her smile with his. He knew that just showing how relieved you feel, it would bring out the gleeful Tohru instantly. And at this moment, he wanted to cheer her up… just once. For her sake.

_For her sake._

Continued…

* * * * *

Hello minna-san! Nokurai To-orima here! 

Thanks for reading my fic, it's my first time to make a story about Fruits Basket… but it's not my first time to make a fanfic. 

Anyway, please review this chapter so I'll know if someone is reading story. Thank you! 

Flames or not, any criticism is accepted!

If you want to keep updated for the next chapter, please leave your e-mail address as you review or e-mail me directly at **furyoushoujo@hotmail.com**

Ja ne!!! .


	3. I Wish I Knew Why Raindrops Are Made of ...

**_PLEASE READ THIS!_**** : I've replaced this chapter because I can't come up with a following chapter with the former storyline. I'm sorry for those who reviewed it. I deeply appreciate your support but it seems that my weakness has an author has overcome my writing skills. Hope you'll be able to forgive me. If you have the patience, please read and review. I'm really, really sorry for this outcome. Oh, and sorry for the looong update, it's been a habit of mine to slack off sometimes. If you're still interested, please read the new chapters before proceeding in this chapter. THANK YOU.**

**I Wish I Knew…**

By Nokurai To-orima

**Disclaimer:** FB characters are the property of Natsuki Takaya. This storyline is only a product of my obsession in Fruits Basket, and being a no. 1 of Kyo x Tohru pairing. 

_"How did your song go, mother? I've forgotten how it goes…"_

_The shadow chases_

_The soft caress of moonlight_

_Seeking its embrace_

_Even though it knows_

_It will disappear at once_

_Still, it longs for her._

_Without each other_

_Neither could ever exist_

_No light, no shadow._

_Without a shadow_

_None recognizes its light_

_Yet they cannot touch_

_And thus is their curse_

_Lest they find their great courage_

_To share just one kiss…_

_And not fear the cost…_

_The shadow will disappear_

_All for the fair light._

_Is that how it goes? I can't remember…_

_I can't remember you…_

**Chapter 2: I Wish I Knew Why Raindrops Are Made of Tears…**

_Okaasan… knowing my ugly nature… _

_You always look at me with a fabricated smile of yours. Saying words that you thought would comfort me just to be able to keep your 'motherly' duty. Tainted with philanthropic intent, did you really think it would be enough for me to know you loved me truly if you keep on saying the words "I love you"?_

_If you really loved me, as you said, why is there tears falling endlessly from your eyes? From the eyes marked with mixed emotions? Emotions like rage, angst, loath and fear are present? Why do you keep telling me that you love me?! Why?_

_Can't you even see that I'm also suffering!? Of course, you wouldn't have the faintest idea of what I feel about the curse… the curse that fraught my soul with misery. You wouldn't know that I was suffering as you were… Why? You were preoccupied with yourself… How can you say you love me? Lies…_

_But even so it's painful… I longed for us to be together. Like a normal family. _

_Mother and son._

_It was okay even if you don't love the ugly part of me. It's okay if you were scared by it. To be frightened was evidence that you've seen it. As long as you wanted to continue our lives… With curse or no curse… as long as we're…_

_ Together…_

_Together…_

_Then maybe… maybe our lives would be better. _

_If you tried to think about it…_

* * * * * 

"Kyo-kun… your milk." Tohru handed me a glass of warm milk, interrupting my usual musings of the past. 

The past that involves my mother. It surprised me that I haven't felt hatred toward it. Is it because I've accepted it? I should be… it's not worth blaming it to a dead person. It's not worth it to be living with that pain… but why can't I let it go? If I had accepted it… why can't I let the pain go? Is it because… I haven't forgiven her?

I thanked her with a weak nod, looking at her large brown eyes sparkling with the recognizable joy she always has. I continued to stare at the former sunny day. It's raining already. I just heaved a sigh, _I was supposed to be training today to defeat that damn mouse!_ But then again, these little raindrops of nature ruined me plans and my moods.

As always.

"Ne, Kyou-kun…" She started, sitting next to me, "Do you remember the time that you suddenly fainted on the way home?" She asked, smiling a bit. "Then I had no choice to hug you and carry you home… in cat form…" She continued, giggling after her sentence.

"No, I don't remember because I fainted…" I mumbled, feeling heat on my cheeks. How can I forget? It was one of those moments wherein I can snuggle and feel her body warmth against my fur. One of the moments wherein she brushes away my temper with just one pat on my head. One of the moments in which she keeps saying "Kyou wa kawaii desu!!" then hugs me close. Hugs me close to the place where I wanted to be. Where I wanted to be in the longest time…

Close to her heart.

It was hard… it was hard to admit to myself that I… I care for her. To all people that had shown me… something besides hatred… it was her. 

"Mou… it was fun on that day!" she suddenly chirped, trying to bring up the heavy atmosphere somehow. "Do you like rain, Kyou-kun?"

There she goes again, asking those innocent questions. _Doesn't she know how I hate the rain?_ "Cats are supposed to hate water." I told her, "And besides, don't you know that rain makes your brain flash back those memories you keep…"

_Kyou, did something happen? What's wrong? Did Akito say something to you again? It's all right…_

_Because I love you._

"…those memories that you hide so much…" 

_Don't come near me!! What wrong with you?! Can't you see?! Can't you smell?! It's disgusting, isn't it?! It's repulsive, isn't it?! Why can't you leave me alone?! I don't want your pity!!!_

_I can't leave you alone! I won't let you suffer alone! I want us to live together, Kyou-kun…_

(AN: This dialogues if from Vol. 6, chapter 33. It's when Kyou-kun transformed into the 2nd form of the cat and Tohru came to get him back home. It's a very sad, I even cried watching and reading the episode!)

"…those memories you that hurts you…"

_It appears to have been suicide._

_But it seems they don't know that for sure._

_So she committed suicide because the suffering caused by having a son possessed by the cat was too much...?_

_That child doesn't cry._

_Even though his mother's just passed away._

_Even though he was the one who drove her to suicide._

_That's not true!_

_It wasn't my fault!_

_It wasn't my fault…_

"…those memories you wish to erase…" 

_Is this the cat true form? How disgusting…_

I suddenly stopped. I hated it when my mind involuntarily replays my past life over again. I began to curse my self for being an idiot. I just knew where this conversation is leading to, and I don't want to talk about it.

She looked at me with an obvious pity in those brown orbs. Her lips were parted, as if she wanted to say something. To comfort like she always does. How her words found their use whenever she played with it. But, she just kept silent. She knew it would hurt me… scar me… like in the past.

I haven't forgiven my mother and myself at all…

"Excuse me…" I muttered before standing up, leaving her alone in my room.

* * * * * 

I looked at him as he closed the wooden door behind him, leaving me alone in his room. 

_He's still running away… like Kazuma-sama told me. _

How long will it take him to know that I've been watching him, trying to catch him whenever he falls? How long will it take him to see the fact that I've accepted him, and his other side… even if it's inhuman? How long will it take him to be aware of that I'm not disgusted, or scared or make fun of him? How long will it take him to recognize that I wanted to help him go away in a life wherein he's feels alone? How long it will it take him to realize…

When will he realize that I've been here? _Waiting…_

I sighed… Since when I discovered his other side, he began to walk away fro me, as if he didn't see how much I wanted to repay for the things he have done for me… _But how can I? How can I make him feel comfortable in approaching me? I know he's not good in expressing his emotions… but all he need is a little push… _

_But what would make him?_

With that question, I stood up and returned to my room, still pondering on the question.

* * * * *

_[A coward! That's what you are! You're too scared to face reality! You're still frightened to take a step forward to the path called Life! Even if it's to lose some of your sanity, why don't you take the risk?! It's for your own good.] _A small voice lectured me. He was right anyway. 

_[Tohru-chan just wanted to help you, that's all_. It began again. _She just wanted to take your load off somehow. The load that you've been carrying for all these years! Don't you want it? Why are you afraid? You wished for it for how long? How you wished for someone to accept you. To give you hope. To give you strength. To be with you… always.]_

_[But why do you keep running away from the chance? Do you fear she'll reject you?]_

_Of course! Who wouldn't?_ I replied to that unknown being.

_[Don't you remember what Kazuma-san told you a long time ago? He said that if you love somebody, you must give that somebody your trust. You must have to believe on how she feels about you. You must trust her. You must believe.]_

Trust her.

_[Don't you remember? Believing into something makes your dreams come true. Although there are obstacles in the way that will pierce you, stop you or drown you into different trials… you need to believe. The word may not be as powerful as it sounds, but once it is imprinted in your heart and soul… believing will take you someplace you never imagined it to be…]_

Believe in her.

But what if…

_[Do not question. Do not doubt your feelings. Do not be afraid. The first step toward is always the hard part, but you must overcome it. For your sake. For her sake.]_

For her sake.

**A dry breeze is blowing, the city is getting cold**

**I wonder how many seasons have passed without even a sound?**

My conversation suddenly vanished as an audible song was flying through the house with its melodious tone. I sat up from my lying position, trying to detect whether the song was real or just a figment of my imagination.

**All of the people coming and going to bear heavy burdens.**

**Searching for tomorrow within the heat haze wavering in the distance.**

_It's definitely not my imagination. I wonder where the song comes from? Could it be from…? _My feet started to run to the destination that I could think of. _If it's not from there then it must be a ghost! Or something…_

**Feelings like sand kept falling through my hands...**

**Back then, the words that pierced my heart suddenly started to throb with pain.**

That's strange… the song seems to be tugging a place in me… how it was able to capture the emotions that I've been experiencing… how can I be…

**But...**

**I've searched for pieces of myself, counting the endless nights all the while.**

**These feelings are becoming so certain, I almost lose myself.**

Heavy echoes of footsteps were heard as I went up to the stairs. Her room door was in front of me. Heartbeats palpitate hard against my chest, trying to get rid of the nervousness out of my body.

**Right now, without fail…**

**I will walk forward, however far.**

_[Trust her. Believe in her. For your sake. For her sake.]_

_Yes… Right now, without fail, I will walk forward…_

As the door shot open. There I saw that rain were not only Heaven's tears…

But one's liquid drops of sadness…

_Continued…_

* * * * *

Just to make things clear, sentences in brackets "[ ]" are the words the voice inside Kyou-kun's head is preaching! Don't confused it with the thoughts of Kyou-kun… weird ne?

Again, **I WANTED TO SAY SORRY!!! **I know I kept saying this like a broken record but I couldn't help it! Anyway, I wanted to thank you for the following people:

1. My reviewers! Thank you so much for inspiring me to go on.

2. My brain! Hehehehe… there's always an idea for a mental-block chapter!

3. To Natsuki Takaya's Fruits Basket! I wouldn't be making this if Kyou and Tohru don't exist at all!

4. And to Mikuni Shimokawa. Mind you, the song that I used is from her. It is the 2nd ending song of the anime called Gensomaden Saiyuki. You better listen to it, I recommend it.

For those who wanted to be updated! Please review or email me at **furyoushoujo@hotmail.com**

Okay! See you on the next chapter update! 


	4. I Wish I Knew Why I Love You

**_PLEASE READ THIS!_** : I've replaced the previous chapters because I can't come up with a following chapter with the former storyline. I'm sorry for those who reviewed it. I deeply appreciate your support but it seems that my weakness has an author has overcome my writing skills. Hope you'll be able to forgive me. If you have the patience, please read and review. I'm really, really sorry for this outcome. Oh, and sorry for the looong update, it's been a habit of mine to slack off sometimes. If you're still interested, please read the new chapters before proceeding in this chapter. THANK YOU. ** ****I Wish I Knew… **

By Nokurai To-orima

**Disclaimer:** FB characters are the property of Natsuki Takaya. This storyline is only a product of my obsession in Fruits Basket, and being a no. 1 of Kyo x Tohru pairing.

My feet were nailed to floor as each bead of water fell from her brown eyes that were wide in surprise.

The drumbeat of the song rhythms was slowly matching up with the tempo of the guitars… it might be an interesting song for those who had listened to this. It is also a rather an emotional song to others' opinion. But to me, it was like a string. The words were somehow connected to my inner self.

Clear…

Lucid…

Drops of sadness continued to trickle down her flushed cheeks. The CD player was still playing the song that had somehow casts a powerful magic to me. How could just a song be so magnetic…? Is it because that I… that I've been feeling the same way? 

"Kyou… kun…?"

I look at her eyes deeply, concerned in every way. I tried to lift my left leg, but it was nailed hard to the floor; I was afraid. What if I made her cry? What if I come near her would make her cry harder? What if…

_[Remember, do not question. Do not doubt your feelings.]_

_[The first step toward is always the hard part, but you must overcome it.]_

Involuntarily, my feet began to walk, going towards her. As soon as I was standing in front of her, I sat beside her, the bed creaking on my weight, my face a few inches away from her. My hand, out of my free will again, went to touch her tear-stained cheeks. _She cried two times already, what's wrong with her? _I thought, trying not to take of my eyes off her as my right hand traced the wet trails of her tears. Then, I opened my mouth for an apology.

"I'm sorry…"

**_Chapter 3: I Wish I Knew Why I Love You…_**

**I wonder, why is the sky so vast?**

**Even though I tried to yell, my voice didn't come and the tears poured out.**

I could suddenly feel my cheeks getting red by the minute. My surprised expression is one way of showing it. The way he walked to my direction, the way he holds my face now, and the words he just said was… awkward. It was something… Kyou wouldn't do. He just said he was sorry. But why? _Does he know already? Did he know about that I've been thinking about him? Even though I haven't told my problem yet, did he hear my voice silently questioning him to tell me… to open up to me what sufferings he had to deal with? Did he?_

"For what?" I weakly asked, trying to pry the reason out of him slowly as possible. This may be an opportunity that can't be repeated so I must ask him.

* * * * *

"For what?" She asked me with tears still forming in her eyes, her cheeks radiating the color pink. _Was she… hiding something?_ I removed my hand fro her cheeks, crossing my legs. Her eyes of loneliness, yet was masked with joy was looking at my own. Maybe this may be an opportunity that can't be repeated so I might as well take the risk. 

_[You must trust on how she values you. You must believe in her.]_

I opened my mouth, and with the courage I gather up since who-knows-when, I started to open up myself.  "I'm sorry if… I haven't opened up in the past few days. I know that I worried you… but I… I have been thinking… about things…" My reasons were spaced by rude gaps of thinking. Even with this courage burning inside me, I was still holding back. My eyes fell to the wooden floor, afraid of what is the expression of her eyes.

**I wonder where the birds are flying off to, as they freely slice through the wind?**

**One can't return to the same place as it once was in days gone by.**

But, I wanted to be free… like she said about spring. Without this coldness, without this curse, without this fear, I wanted to fly freely through the wind. I want to break free from the chains of solitude that was still present in my mind for how long. But if I was able to fly to that dream of mine, whether it turns out good or bad, I wouldn't be able to go back to the situation or to my past self I was in before. I couldn't be because that's the rule of time. I looked at the string of white and black beads that traps the hideous monster I am. To be rejected… was my greatest fear. Especially if that person is someone whom I care for. 

_I want us to live together! To eat meals, study, and worry together. Just like before, and from now on, I want us to live together!!_

Her words from the past incidence replayed in my head. I wanted to believe in those words… but what if it's like…

_I would die willingly, if it were for your sake… _

… like my mother's words? Words of pity? Just to sooth myself?

_[Why do you doubt her? Don't you believe in her?]_

_It's not that… It's just that I've lived a life that's tainted with rejection, lies and fabricated emotions… how can one person, an outsider of the Sohma clan to be exact, accept a human with this curse? How?_

_[Why don't you ask her? And know why?]_

**Even if I give up my dream like this, I won't suppress my soaring heartbeat.**

"How?" he suddenly mumbled, although it looks like the word slipped his mind and he, unconsciously, said it.

_He was definitely thinking about things. But… what does he mean by how? Is he questioning himself on how to say his troubles?_ I know that it would be better if I would let him calm himself first, but… this moment won't last… 

He shook as I laid my hand on his shoulder. He, too, was nervous about this. I admired his… awkwardness a while ago but it seems to be disappearing in each passing second. "Why don't you lie down, Kyou-kun?"

He looked at me, obviously confused but still on guard. "What for?"

I sighed, "So you can relax…"

* * * * *

"Oh," I replied, feeling a little stupid. I lay down on her soft mattress, breathing in a fruity scent… _probably the perfume scent used by Tohru-chan._

"Now close your eyes and let yourself relax, and then breathe slowly…" she said, demonstrating it after. 

I did what I was told, feeling the tension leaving me as I listened to her soft breathing. Listening to the soft tunes of the music made my stressed body and mind unwind for a while. 

"Now I want you to talk. Talk about anything and don't stop, okay?"

I opened one eye and looked at her quizzically, but her own eyes were closed, ready to listen to what I've got to say. I closed my eyes again and think to start my talk here. Well, at least I was given a chance to talk. I should probably start on the day itself…

"It's had been a beautiful day since I've woke up. The sun was still shining and stuff… you get the point! Anyway, my favorite spot of the house was the roof, as cats would. I love that spot because you are so high, and the feeling of the spring breeze was definitely good there. Yes, I like spring because…" I suddenly stopped. I was getting to the part wherein she asked me about spring… but I've got to tell her. I got to. 

"…as your mom told you, spring is like a prisoner. After so many hardships in a cold place, someday he would be free. Finally, he would feel the warmth embracing him besides of all he had gone through. And slowly, the person will be accepted no matter who he is in the past… But I don't feel the same. From my birth until now, I was still stuck in a black hole of darkness… loneliness… rejection… I was still an outsider of the Jyuunishi. Being cursed by the vengeful spirit of the cat, I was left alone because of the other form it holds!" I swallowed the rage that was building up, and then I continued, "I was really normal, if you looked on the outside. But I feel it was just a mask to hide the monster that was locked in by my black and white beads… I just wanted to normal… I wanted for someone who would accept me, even without this bracelet clinging in my arm… but…"

**Someday, I want to reach as high as the clouds.**

**I'll spread wide the wings in my heart and journey once again**

"What about your mother?" She asked, her eyes were now looking at me, studying my actions.

_She still doesn't know about my mom…_ "She was… ashamed of me." I swallowed again, this time, trying to keep me from crying. "She would always say that she loved and cared for me… but it was all lies. After she knew about my other form, she said that she wasn't afraid of what I am! But why would she check if I'm wearing my bracelet ten times a day? And then, she always tried to make me better by telling me things like she was bragging about me, or I was too cute that she wouldn't take me outside and let the others see me… but the truth is, she was playing pretending! She didn't like who I am… they can't love me because of the other side of the curse, the side which isn't human. I just… don't want to live a fraud…" _Shit, I'm crying already…_ Before I could wipe of my tears, I felt her hand doing the job. I looked at her even if my vision was blurry, and she was smiling softly, understanding the sorrows I've kept inside me for a long time. _It was relieving… to let it out somehow…_

"You just wanted to be loved…" she said in a whisper, as if her thoughts influenced her voice. "Please continue…"

I breathed in loudly, my hand curled into a ball. "Then… she committed suicide. The clan blamed it to me. They say that I was the one who drove her to kill herself because her suffering was too much…  They even say that I was cold because I wouldn't cry… but how can I shed a tear?! After those 'motherly' words she had thrown at me… I just couldn't cry for her… for the wound she have caused… but I wanted her think about it and say we should continue our lives together… like a family… I have longed for that… I wouldn't care if she feared my other side. To be aware of it means she knows about the horrible existence… As long as she wanted to live our live together…!" I sat up, wiping the tears threatening to spill once again. 

"I wanted to be accepted like everybody else… but I can't reveal my true self… I fear that I'll be rejected, detested, loathed as always! So… I kept on running away from my fears… never to open up… never to feel the pain that had tormented me over and over again! I just… can't take it anymore… But I wanted to be accepted…"

**I will reach it, without fail.******

This was the side wherein Kyou was hiding all these years. He had kept this behind the hostile front he puts up. But I couldn't blame him… anyone going to all that is surely a person who is wounded deeply… maybe even scarred for a lifetime. But why does this sudden confession of his made me uneasy? I've been with him all this time, so why did I become so anxious and confounded? Is it because he had shown his soft side? Or was it because of the streak of concern he shows whenever I'm sad?

"But Tohru… why are you still here?"

"Huh?" His question seemed to melt away my musings. Before I knew it, he was sitting up and stares right into my own. I suddenly feel the heat rise up to my cheeks. I didn't know how the intensity of his gaze was… but it was definitely like drowning in a sea of fire. "Kyou-kun… what…"

**I've searched for pieces of myself, counting the endless nights all the while.**

**These feelings are becoming so certain I almost lose myself.**

To be accepted, is to reveal one's feelings. I must let her know… it's now or never. It doesn't matter if she would turn me down… because for what she had done to me… is enough for me to know that I have loved… someone who, I wish, will accept me.

"Why does someone like you stay by my side? Cry for me? Knows how to ease my pain?"

"Kyou…"

"Why am I wishing for someone like you? I don't have the right to do that anymore… The very fact that you're near me is a mistake!" 

_The fact that I'm telling you this is being selfish…was I? But… I just…_

 "But even so… But even so… Why do I hope to stop time? To hold it even for a moment? And cherish it?"

_I love you to the point it breaks me… but I can never give voice to the love I have for you… because… to say it was a mistake… you can never love me… a cursed human…. But I just wanted you to know that I loved you._

* * * * *

My heart was beginning to beat harder and faster. I wanted to look away from his intoxicating stare but I couldn't. I felt how his hand held mine. It was gripped hard enough to support him… but in some ways, I didn't want him to let go… what's happening? My chest suddenly felt like it was about to explode, as if something had been sleeping at the bottom of my heart… a red, painful passion perhaps?

**Right now, without fail, I will walk forward, however far. **

"Why do I desire to stay by your side? To see how much your smile brightens my day? To hear the words that mends my fragile heart? Why, Tohru, why?"

_Why would I desire for it, in the first place? It was a forbidden love between a cat and a human… But… I'm also human with a human heart… a heart that is able to know the thing called love._

"I'm sorry… you might think I'm being pathetic here. It's because that I—I…no, I can't say it…"

"What is it…?" She asked, her voice anticipating for the words I want to convey.

"I—" I choked on the words. I anxiously searched for her face, trying to tell her what my voice can't. "I love you…"

Not making her react for the moment, I leaned forward and kissed her gently.

_If I were to lose her right now… _

_Then I…_

_Then I…_

_I love her until she rejects me… even if it's painful._

**I will reach it without fail…**

_[Trust on how she values you. Believe in her.]_

_[Believe]_

_Continued…_

* * * * *

Author's Note: the next chapter will be the last so stay tune! I told you that this fic is short!


	5. I Wish I Knew Why You Did That

**I Wish I Knew…**

By: Nokurai To-orima

**Disclaimer:** FB characters are the property of Natsuki Takaya. This storyline is only a product of my obsession in Fruits Basket, and being a no. 1 of Kyo x Tohru pairing.

**Author's Note:** This should be the last chapter. But then again, my mind came up (miraculously) with a plot that would make this fic a longer one… I hope. Hehehe, so to those who doesn't want to end this fic, your prayers were answered. **Enjoy!**

Once again, I sit alone in a world of darkness. As it always been. Always. Sadness of Heaven was still pouring on, just like the tears kept staining my cheeks. The wind blows cold and wet, the drops gathers like particles of memory waiting to be washed away. I pray for forgetfulness, yet my memory remains strong, even if my mind seemed to be in a blank state.  

I curled myself up, protecting myself from the cold that begins to seeped through me… no, the cold wasn't from the rain. It was from me. A feeling that I have felt for so long… Since when did I felt this? I can't remember. I can't remember… All that I know is this emotion has melted away… it was brushed away by the caring acts of one person… and that person happens to be the one and only person that I've known to love… and the person who will soon reject me…

"Tohru…" 

I mumbled out her name, hearing a faint echo traveling against the wooden walls of the room, and then was lost. I shifted to my side, still curled up on my own bed, hugging my pillow tight.  I buried my face with its softness, thankful that at least it had not somehow abandoned me. I tried to seek comfort with its warmth, but it wasn't the warmth I wanted… it's not what I needed. Tears began to flow like river from my eyes to the white cover of the pillows, and I cried miserably… quietly to myself because there wasn't anyone here… No one to share my loneliness with…

No one.

I was alone.

Again.

It was strange how silenced preyed on my mind more than the emptiness in the atmosphere. They weren't the same, I knew, not at all. But with this solitude, time passed by in a turtle's pace. Time has passed… the time… 

With that thought, my mind shifted to what happened earlier…

_—Flashback—_ **Chapter 4: I Wish I Knew Why You Did That…**

"I'm sorry… you might think I'm being pathetic here. It's because that I—I…no, I can't say it…"

"What is it…?" She asked, her voice seems to anticipate for the words I want to convey.

"I—" I choked on the words. I anxiously searched for her face, trying to tell her what my voice can't. "I love you…"

Not making her react for the moment, I leaned forward and kissed her gently. It wasn't in a rough manner, but it was hesitant. 

_If I were to lose her right now… _

_Then I…_

_Then I…_

_I would love her in silence… even if it were painful._

As our lips parted, I couldn't dare look up at her. I didn't have the courage to do so. I was still afraid of the pain. Pain of rejection. I knew that if I kissed her, I would lose the string that binds us. The string called friendship… But I tried to focus, I tried to control myself… but I wasn't able to. But besides of all this thoughts jammed in my brain, I looked up at her. Her innocent brown eyes were staring at me, wide in shock as a lone tear ran to her flushed cheeks. _Oh no, I made her cry…_

"Kyou… kun…" With that words enveloped with fear and pain escaped from her pink lips, running was only the coherent thought in my mind, and that's what I did. I dashed out from her room and went straight ahead to my room. 

_—End of Flashback—___

I let out a bitter chuckle. Yes, I ran away from her. Out of her room. But my running didn't stop there. I was still running. Running away from my fear. Running away from the pain. Running away, as always. It suddenly made me wonder when will I have the courage to halt, and stand on my own? Maybe, someday. Or maybe that time doesn't exist. I don't care anymore. It doesn't matter anyway… nothing matters anyway…Because I have lost so many… I couldn't bear the pain of losing people. It was… too much. 

_[Do you assume that she hates you?]_

That was always the cycle of my life. Once I was on top, I fall down… Fall down to a black hole of loneliness and pain. How I wish this cycle would end… somehow… I don't know how, but all I care is that it would end… I knew that when she touched my life, this cycle would end. But somehow, it did not.

I hugged my pillow more tightly now, feeling myself shattering into little pieces. Tears continued to trickle down from my hollow, forlorn eyes. I don't want her to reject me, but I don't have the right to dictate her emotions… it isn't right. Her hand was always extended to me whenever I fall… Ever since we've met, she had already saved me. 

_I like the cat in the Jyuunishi the best! I wanted to be born under the year of the cat!_

I was never lonely… because in happiness and tears, she was always there, ready to catch me…

_I can see it perfectly on Kyou-kun's back, a perfect umeboshi._

Even though I tend to push her away, she's by my side, comforting me with her words imbedded with care…

_From now on, in the same way that you always listened to my complaining, I want to hear what your complaints are… Painful things, scary things, things you are weak at — I want you to tell me about them. I want you to let me worry about them. Because I want us to live together… To eat meals, study ...and worry together. Just like before, from now on, together, together I want us to live like that…!_

But I knew better. This relationship we have is close because we are merely friends. _But was it wrong that I desire to stay by you? To make you mine? Was it? Is it okay to be selfish once in a while if it's for my sake? Just to make me believe that you've loved me… even for a while… even for a moment… I wanted to believe that I have you…_

But I'm aware that the love I had was forbidden like a cat to a human. This love I have will only hurt you, and I don't want to see you hurt or sad. _But for this moment, for this moment only… __I beg you to kiss my fears away, to promise me you're here to stay. I beg you to show me that you care, to caress me with your gentle hand. I beg you to whisper words of love, to let me know you're all I have... to live a life in freedom, without this curse… I beg you to make me smile... for this fragile soul of mine cannot bear losing your gentle self and loving you in the process is all worthwhile… _

As the moonlight successfully penetrated the white curtains of my room, a deadly glimmer from the wooden floor caught my eye. I tried to reach without moving from my current position, and was successful. The shadows were making it difficult to recognize but the cold texture made it somewhat familiar to my trembling fingers. It was a small knife my shishou has given me before I left. It was sort of a farewell gift, but I didn't manage to keep it well… or use it well…

_Use it well…_

The icy blade sparkled as the moonlight stroke it once again. My fingers wrapped around the handle of the silvery knife, holding it like it was made for this moment. 

_Moment of what?_

I looked at the weapon in my hand. It was like tempting me into doing the unthinkable. But don't I deserve it? Living with the other side of the curse was enough to say that I deserve such right. To live through life with this permanent scar wounded deep within your heart, your mind and soul was enough to say that I have the right to die. 

_Yes, I'm exhausted of existing and life's routine…_

"How hard can it be?" I asked myself, "You just cut your wrist with the blade and the suffering will be over. Doesn't seem to be hard." But it was hard. For some reason I feel like I was being watched, but by who and where. I sit up and looked around to see possible suspects. Then, at the corner of my room, I saw a pair of eyes telling me not to do what I had in mind, to give my life a second chance. Tohru was looking at me. Her picture. Her face was imprinted with innocent excitement and silent beauty. 

If that was Tohru telling me to stop, then I would, but it was only a picture… 

…only… 

…a picture…

…of Tohru…

* * * * *

A picture.

I looked at the picture given by Momiji. It was a picture when we were playing ball at a picnic last week. Yuki and Momiji were on the other side, throwing the ball at us, while Kyou and I were trying to catch the ball. The picture froze that moment. Wherein I caught the ball while Kyou was still running after the other one…

Running.

He ran away. Again. I tried to stop him but my body had betrayed me. His sudden confession had shaken my bones, making them into jelly. Three words.

It was only three words that made my heart beat in a different rhythm.

It was only three words that had awaken something sleeping…

A red, painful passion.

_I love you…_

His words kept repeating in my head for how many times like a broken record. But it wasn't driving me crazy, it was driving me into finding out how I felt for him. _Why did he run out like that? Was he scared? He would be…_ To be rejected, blamed and put down all his life caused him to be afraid. Afraid to show his real self to other people. But what he said awhile ago was…

_"But Tohru… why are you still here?"_

_Why does someone like you stay by my side? Cry for me? Knows how to ease my pain?_

_Why am I wishing for someone like you? I don't have the right to do that anymore… The very fact that you're near me is a mistake!_

_But even so… But even so… Why do I hope to stop time? To hold it even for a moment? And cherish it?_

_Why do I desire to stay by your side? To see how much your smile brightens my day? To hear the words that mends my fragile heart?_

_Why, Tohru? Why?_

Unconsciously, my index finger touched my bottom lip. It was strange how the feeling and taste of that kiss still lingered on my lips. Is this how your first kiss feels like? As the kissing scene replayed back in my mind, I feel blood rush to my face, making it bright red. 

* * * * *

_Kyou-kun is Kyou-kun…_

_And Kyou-kun is wonderful!_

I turned my back on the wooden frame containing her picture, still feeling her eyes staring at my back. Trying to persuade me not to do the biggest mistake in my life. I stared at the blade once more. 

_Well, it's now or never. _

I slowly put the blade on top of the pale arch of my wrist, feeling its coldness seeped through my skin. My hands kept shaking, making me wonder if I was scared or nervous… or maybe both. As I applied pressure on the blade, my mind drifted to the girl whom I cared for.

The blade sunk deeper.

_Thank you Tohru, for everything…_

A thin crimson liquid stained the blade.

_And I'm sorry, I never wanted to see you cry… or sad… you deserve to be happy…_

Blood traveled upon my arm and drops into the wooden floor.

_And I… love you… no matter what… no matter how… no matter why… I love you…_ _Always…_

* * * * *

He had gone through a lot and he needed someone. Kyou-kun deserves someone better than me. Maybe there are persons who are greater than I am… and Kyou deserves them, but not me. Someone to cry on. Someone who know how to ease one's pain. Someone who will love him with or without the bracelet… Someone who…

_Why am I wishing for someone like you?_

My red face became redder as his words once again echoed in my mind. I glanced at the picture once more. My eyes locked at the perspiring orange-haired teen.

_You are really amazing…_

It is you who is amazing. To be strong, and able to live even with the burdens in your heart and soul… that's why I wanted you to share it with me, so I can help you. I wanted to know you, I wanted you to tell me things that you're scared or weak at – it's okay. You 're a human after all. But… isn't selfish of me?

_It's okay to say something selfish once in a while. _

_If it's for your own sake…_

_It's okay._

It was you who said that. But…

_I love you…_

Suddenly, the glass frame I was holding slipped through me hand and landed on the wooden floor, creating a crack. I looked at the cracked picture in front of me with horror present on my face. The line crack went in between Kyou and I, and then ending at the neck of Kyou, making him looked beheaded. 

_Something's wrong…_

Without another thought, I rushed out towards his room, finding the unexpected…

Continued…

* * * * *

Author's Notes: Please don't kill me. I am still young and I intend to live as long as I can. I don't like the idea of you, the reviewers, mutilating me because of the bad turn of events. This fic is rated as an angst fic, and I will reach that rating. Sorry guys! But stay tune for the next chappie, maybe you'll find out why… hope you like it!  

See you in the next chapter update! Ja ne *flying kisses to everyone*


	6. Author's Notice

To the readers (If there are still any):

I've been busy lately because I'm just a freshmen in college. I'm taking up Advertising so the workload was too much. I just got time to type this because I'm still getting e-mails and stuff about the update. Please forgive me if I said I'll be updating at the end of the month (June) but wasn't able to. I'm really sorry but it may take a while because I'm still trying to adapt to my new environment and schedules, especially the subjects. 

Thanks and hope I'll be updating it soon!

Once again, I'm sorry.

Phantom Criminal of Darkness,

To-orima Nokurai


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